Loneliness

It comes out of the blue, in a room full of people or when you’re all alone in a quiet house on a fall day. It doesn’t matter if you’re single or married. It doesn’t care where you live, or what language you speak.

Loneliness is real and it can take epic proportions.

I’m sitting in a quiet empty house on a late Saturday morning after a busy week of guests and people. My time has been stretched, my patience worn, and I’m finding the quiet solitude of the hour soothing and peaceful.

But I’m not talking about solitude here. I’m talking about the deep aching hurting lasting loneliness that has plagued our society and culture in an ever increasing manner, leaving behind victims who are hurt and isolated and fearful of every shadow of another human soul.

It didn’t always used to be this way. In fact, it’s not this way in many other places outside of the United States. I grew up in Lebanon where community is huge. Too huge, you could argue. If you sneezed, your aunt Betty would call and ask if you were catching a cold. If you spilled the coffee, there was a chance the evening news would carry the story. It was a sign of love and commitment to one another. It was a sign of caring.

Somewhere in the spectrum of civilization and westernization began the notion that people wanted more independence. Financial success welcomed the notion of moving out of your parents’ home and finding a place of your own. Decades went by. Today adults in the United States have moved further and further away from home as a sign of success and independence. The result is that many adults suffer from isolation and aloneness so deep that little can soothe the hurt that stems from that wound.

So people got married thinking their loneliness would be filled by that perfect human being. It helped – a little. But one day, out of the random blue, that loneliness that was thought to be kept at bay snuck up its ugly head and plopped itself in the middle of your home reminding you of the fact that your husband was not perfect, that your wife could not understand you like you wanted her to.

The causes to loneliness are plentiful. You’ve just moved, you don’t know anyone in your new town. You’re too old and too tired to do anything about it. It’s Friday night, and you think everyone else in the world is out having some fun while your life is ticking away, one slow minute at a time. That’s the loneliness that comes from the transitions of life.

Or perhaps you’ve just gone through a break up. You’re bewildered about it, not sure how the relationship you thought was so good could end up in this state. You’re feeling sorry for yourself. You’re feeling the loneliness that comes from rejection.

Maybe for you the loneliness you’re feeling stems from some opposition you’ve been sensing. Those you thought should understand you don’t. Those you thought would stand by you have turned their back on you. You’re being attacked, your name dragged through the mud. How could God allow this injustice to happen to you?

Or maybe your friends are moving. That community that you’ve worked so hard to build is breaking apart, and you’re feeling the sting of loneliness. You walk into a church that feels way too big with way too many unfamiliar faces. You don’t even know how to begin to meet new people, how to develop a small community to call “friends”. The world is big. There is a loneliness that comes from separation.

Loneliness has many causes. Loneliness comes in a variety of styles and colors. But what does God say about loneliness? What does His word suggest you do with that heavy baggage of loneliness?

1. Recognize God’s presence. His presence is near. His presence is always. If you don’t know the friend of sinners and the friend that sticks closer than a brother, don’t put it off any longer. God may be using this very loneliness to draw your heart to Him. Jesus promises to be with His children always! I have so been ministered to by Psalms 27:10, and Hebrews 13:5-6. Our God is near. Deuteronomy 4:7 is a gentle reminder of His nearness. Rest in this truth. God knows exactly where you are and what you are feeling.

2. Minimize your pain. I’m not saying deny your pain, but minimize it. I can get so caught up in my own self pity that an evening alone can turn into a personal crisis of feeling abandoned by friends and God. I’m learning not to exaggerate my loneliness, not to rehearse it again and again. The less I dwell on my loneliness the less I see bitterness and resentment growing in my heart.

3. Guard against it. I find there are many triggers to my loneliness and I have to guard against them. Think about the things that cause you to feel lonely. For some of you, that may mean getting off facebook and shutting down the computer. For others it may mean turning off that television or that romantic comedy where everyone meets their perfect someone and live happily ever after. Remember that life is not like a romantic comedy. Married people have plenty of issues, and feel plenty lonely!!

4. Renew your mind. I get lonely when I get a “me” centered mentality. The best way to overcome such thoughts is by washing my mind with the word of God and renewing my thoughts with His truth. Romans 12:1-2 and Philippians 4:8 are great verses to memorize.

5. Focus on others. There are many proactive steps to combat loneliness. Get out of your comfort zone and get to know people who are going through greater suffering than you are. Volunteer at the soup kitchen. Start a ministry to the widows in your area. Join a Bible Study. Help out with Children’s ministry at your church – there is always a need for more workers, believe me!! Ephesians 5:16 says we are to redeem the time. The days are short. Use them wisely.

A word to the married: if you are feeling lonely in your marriage, do 2 things: talk to your spouse about it, and listen to God’s cry to you through that loneliness. Your spouse if not meant to fill your deepest need. God has to do that for you. But discussing it with your spouse could increase the intimacy in your marriage. Don’t broaden the wedge between you and your spouse. Narrow it by addressing it in love.

Finally, I like this story that illustrates my thoughts:

“When Corrie ten Boom was a young woman in the Netherlands, she fell head over heals in love with a young man. But he broke off the relationship and married one of her good friends. Corrie was devastated. Nothing hurts more than being rejected and having someone else chosen over you. When Corrie got home, her father said something very wise. “Corrie, you love has been blocked, and he has married someone else. Now, there are two things you can do with a blocked love. You can dam it up inside and hold it all inside and it will eat you up – or you can rechannel it to something or someone else and can focus on other people’s needs”. Corrie chose to do the latter, and her story of a selfless life living under Nazi captivity and imprisonment are told in her book, the hiding place.”

Loneliness – it can be a wilderness. It can be a pathway to God.

Which will it be?

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