One in a Million

I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. Everywhere I look, women with matching bags walk in the same direction. For the most part they look alike. Capris have been replaced by skinny jeans and knee high boots. Name badges hang from each women’s neck. In every bag on every shoulder is a Bible – some bigger than others, all underlined in the same places.

Thirty minutes before each meeting the doors open. The women are herded in and the music begins.  At the right moment, every women gets up on her two feet. And at the right place in each song, hands are lifted up.  Once in a while I hear an Amen and heads are nodding everywhere.

I’m at a women’s leadership conference and it feels like I’ve landed on Mars. I look around me in wonder, then realize that I’m one of them.

What is happening to me? How did I get here? When can I leave? I ask myself these questions in amazement.

My phone rings, and it’s a loved one. For the umpteenth time this year, my motives are questioned, my aspirations attacked, and my accomplishments diminished.

I teeter on the edge of discouragement. I hover on the line of self doubt. But mostly I want to run. Can I get a one way ticket to Bora Bora?

I linger on the patio, unwilling to join the throng of sameness, unwilling to give in to my destiny. I look up to the hills. Where is my help going to come from today? I strain to hear His voice, I quiet, and I wonder. Is anybody out there? Can anyone hear me? I could get up and go. But would I be giving in? Would I be losing myself to a cause, however just it may seem?

I struggle to hang on to a thread of who I am. I’m a doctor. I yell it out to myself. I’m not like the rest. I like my coffee black and my news in a flash. My attention span is short. My mind runs at a quicker pace. My roots are foreign. Another woman with a heart for the Middle East. I am the Middle East. How did I get here, and where am I going?

The clock is ticking. I know I need to move, but I’m glued to my seat. Anytime, Lord, you can speak anytime. You can show yourself anytime. You can do something. Now.

I have one place to go. Now I’m down on my knees. It’s not about the throng. It’s not about the crowd. It’s not what they say. It’s not just a cause.

His words never change. Whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. My only advantage is my absolute need. My only hope is my absolute dependence. I’m not following the crowd. I’m following one.  And it dawns on me: they are following Him too.

His name is Jesus.

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