Biblical Singleness

I’ve spent a fair share of time blogging about relationships and my thoughts on dating and marriage, but it recently occurred to me that I haven’t yet presented the Biblical perspective on singleness.

It was perfect timing then that someone used the “Ask Dr.Lina” forum to ask this very question. Specifically, the question I was asked focused on the idea of singleness as a gift. “Is singleness a gift or just a way that the church makes us feel better about ourselves and therefore enforces us to accept our singleness without making any efforts to finding a spouse?” Rather than responding to the question directly with a personal email, I thought I’d take a moment to present what the Bible has to say about singleness.

First of all, where does this idea of singleness being a “gift” stem from? And is this gift one I can return or exchange or is it a gift for keeps?

Singles, you have the apostle Paul to thank for this concept of the “gift” of singleness. Surely every Christian single is familiar with the Bible chapter for Singles: 1 Corinthians 7. In verses 7-9 Paul says: “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.”

So the idea of singleness being a gift isn’t made up by some modern day spinster trying to feel better about herself, nor by the church in an effort to appease the singles crowd. It is in fact a Biblical idea.

I have to confess that being a single woman who has gone on no dates in over a year, I’ve been under the wrong impression that the number of Christian single women waaaay outnumbers the number of Christian single men.

I was wrong.

According to Boundless magazine – a website of Focus on the Family – The overall national ratio of men to women (unmarried, ages 15 to 44 years) is 108.7 men to 100 women. Apparently only 2 states – Mississippi and Louisiana – have more unmarried women than men. And even in those two states, the numbers are close (with 98 men for every 100 women). The District of Columbia ranks pretty low at 93.4 men for every 100 women, but even that area favors men (105.7 men to 100 women) when you add in the metro area around the city.

The Barna Group supports these numbers. They estimate that 48% of never married men are believers and 52 percent of never married women are. Applying those estimates to the Census numbers, you end up with 14,189,280 never married Christian men and 12,300,600 never married Christian women.

Wow. That should bring a sigh of relief to most single Christians out there! So the obvious question is – are singles then refusing to pair up with each other because of a desire to keep that stupid gift of singleness they assume they were given by God? Or is it a matter of laziness and refusing to take the necessary steps to finding a spouse?

I know of two women who claim to have the gift of singleness. One of them is Nancy Leigh Demoss who has said this on her radio program (I know, I heard her). The other is my friend Deidra.

I don’t know of any other woman who truly believes that celibacy is her gift for life. If you are such a person, good for you! That leaves more men for us who want to marry to choose from!

Frankly, I like to think of singleness as a gift for today. It’s one of those great gifts that you can regift or exchange when the time is right! But for today, it is a gift because it is what God has provided for me right now.

But where do you go to return that gift and for how long are you supposed to keep it? In other words, what’s a Christian supposed to do in the meantime?

I believe this is where the rub meets the road for most Christian Singles. And in an effort to be concise, I will summarize my thoughts on this question in bullet points.

Focus not on your resources but on God’s abundant provision. It’s not about how many eligible single guys you know right now, but about God’s ability to provide you with just the right one.

Focus on your heart in the matter. It’s easy to get discouraged and to feel forgotten while you wait your turn in the marriage line. Waiting is not wasting when you are waiting on the Lord. God is at work while you wait. In 1 Corinthians 7:20 it says “Each one should remain in the condition in which he is called”. Are you content today? Are you at peace today? Are you accepting today’s gift right now? Keep your heart resting on God today and let Him provide your needs tomorrow.

Focus on holiness in all matters. I don’t care if you’re single, engaged, divorced, or married, the issue of holiness applies to every single Christian. If you’re single, be pure in your mind and your eyes. If you’re married, be pure in the sanctity of your marriage.

Focus on community not isolation. Singles: get involved. Live your life. Stop trying to sit in a corner waiting for the magic to happen. You have more time and more energy and more money than most married people. Get out there and use it for God’s glory and the building of His kingdom. Paul says it this way in I Corinthians 7:32 “The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” Are you doing all you can to please the Lord with your service? Believe me, God provides as we move in obedience to His will and ways.

Focus on trust, not effort. How much effort must you put in the search for a spouse? Well, just enough. You have to apply for a job to find one. You have to go to school to get an education. There are some things you must do, and others only God can do. Do your part and trust Him in His. Does your part involve joining eharmony? I don’t know. Does it involve showing up on Thursday nights to the singles events at your church? Maybe. Prayerfully do your part, but trust God with the rest!

Focus on God’s character, not your appearance. It’s easy for singles to reach wrong conclusions about God’s character and their own appearance. If you’re single, God has not forgotten you, He has not overlooked you. He loves you deeply, and He has the perfect plan for your life. You are not living out Plan B. You are not still single because your hair isn’t as pretty, or your body not as perfect, or your nose not as straight as the next person. God in all good and all wise. He knows what you need and when you need it. Trust Him.

The apostle Paul ends with his own 2 cents worth. In the last 2 verses of 1 Corinthians 7, he says this: “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. Yet in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of God.”

Most married people out there understand Paul’s tongue in cheek advice. It’s good to be married, but it’s really good to be single.

I have the gift today, and I’ll enjoy it as long as it lasts. But believe me, the moment my turn in line is up, I’m exchanging that gift as quickly as I can.

Until then, live, give, love, and laugh.

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