The Many Flavors of Patients

People come in all kinds of shapes and sizes.

As an ER doctor I have a unique perspective into the true nature of most people.  Some people are more likable than others. Some are easier to care for than others. Over the years, I’ve picked up some professional tricks to manage each kind of patient, but what hasn’t changed is the general categories that patients come in.

I’d like to share the different kinds of patients that I care for. You will find that they pretty much cover the range of human types. As you browse the list, consider which category fits you best. 

1. The Complainer. Nobody likes this guy. He starts complaining the moment he walks through the hospital doors and he never ever stops.  He complains if we’re too nice, he complains if we’re not. He complains if he waits too long. He complains if he gets seen too quickly. If I run too many tests, he complains about it. If I don’t run enough, you bet I’ll hear about it. It doesn’t matter what I do, he’s going to complain. So I avoid him like the plague!

2. The Demander. Oh boy. The demander is dangerous. He thinks he knows more than he does. He could punch numbers for a day job, but the minute he walks into the ER he puts on a white coat and turns into Dr.90210. I can tell he’s detect him because he mispronounces simple words like edema. But I smile and I look like I’m listening when all the while I’m counting the minutes until he goes home. Didn’t anybody tell him that you need more than a search engine and a google account to graduate from medical school? If you’re a demander, no matter the issue, I’ll give you a hint: stop!

3. The Dissatisfied. It’s hard to care for the dissatisfied. Nothing impresses him. The tests could be perfect, and he’s still frowning. I can’t figure this guy out! Why doesn’t he just nod his head in acceptance and smile? Bottom line I can never please him, no matter how hard I try, so I quit trying. Either way, he’s dissatisfied. If you find yourself dissatisfied with your life, start by accepting what is right before your eyes.

4. The Frequent Flyer. I kind of actually like the Frequent Flyer. We’ve developed a relationship over the years. Ask him who his primary doctor is, and with a smile and a little bit of pride he’ll say I am.  When it comes to your prayer life, this is the kind of patient you want to grow up and be like. Some doctors are annoyed by the Frequent Flyer, but I know that he is so much more than he seems, starting with my job security. Gotta love him.

5. The Procrastinator. I wonder about him. At first he seems to be the smartest, the most educated. There’s no rush to the doctor for every little symptom, but someone forgot to tell him that when the kid is unresponsive you’ve likely waited just a bit too long. There’s a fine line between courage and delay. Hey, if  you’re a procrastinator and you see a problem in your life, take care of it before it’s too late.

6. The Lawyer. This patient is a lawyer, literally, and he’s dumb enough to tell me about it. The minute he says it word spreads in the hospital like an epidemic. Can someone tell the lawyer to keep that tidbit to himself? Personally, the minute I hear he’s a lawyer I hide my name badge and run for cover. I generally stop talking and stare at the floor in an effort to blend in with the walls. Get a clue, some things in life are better left unsaid, no matter how true they are!

7. The Perfect Patient. I left the best for last and I’m happy to say he covers at least 25% of my patient population. He’s my favorite all time hands down best patient for one reason and one reason alone: He Trusts me completely. He’ll do what I say. He’ll come back when I tell him to. He smiles and says thank you.  He’s eager to get better and I take joy in caring for him. I can identify him a mile away. He’s polite and he’s kind. But most of all, I mostly like him because he trusts me completely.

So…which kind of patient best describes who you are?

I’d love to hear your comments or better yet, if you can think of another category, share it!

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