Megachurch for Dummies

The odds are you go to a mega church. If you don’t, you likely will visit one during your lifetime.

Since I recently took a job as the women’s ministry director at a mega church, I believe I’m qualified to give you the dummies guide to your neighborhood mega church on a typical weekend service.

It’s easier than it looks but you’ve got to stick to the game plan.

Parking: As you roll into the parking lot, remember to slow down. The men you will face on the way to the parking lot are a dangerous bunch. Many are not part of the police force, but a few could be. You don’t want to get a speeding ticket on your way to church.

Remember to flash your lights when you actually drive onto the church parking lot. This is your ticket to paradise, or as close to it as you can get this side of heaven. Flashing your lights gives you the right to park in the 3 visitor parking spots that every mega church saves for folks like you. I’ve successfully used those spots when my elderly folks have visited church with me, so believe me when I say you want to take advantage of this perk. I’m not sure when the visitor label wears off, but use it as long as the parking nazi doesn’t know you by name.

Main Doors: As you enter the main lobby doors to church, there is a high chance of being pummeled by the “greeters”. For the most part, those folks are in fact as friendly in real life as they are when greeting visitors. But if you’re like me and just visiting a church, the odds are you don’t really want to be noticed. So here’s a tip – bring a Bible to church with you, and pick up your step as you walk through the doors. Try to avoid eye contact at all cost, but if you accidentally look at a greeter in the eye, just smile briefly and keep walking. A simple hello will do.

Inside the Lobby: you will be met by a second hoard of greeters inside the main doors. You are likely going to be confused by the size of the lobby, but don’t you dare take on the “I’m a visitor look” or you’re dead. If you have kids, you need to know that most churches host their kids ministry in the back part of the church, so you need to quickly make your way down any hallway you see towards the back. If you need a minute to take a breath, look for the bookstore. It’s usually right in the middle of the lobby. You can act like you’re reviewing the most recent Christian bestseller while making the lay of the room.

The services usually meet in the main auditorium. The main doors are open first and they are also the first to close. If you want a back row seat in church, go through the main doors about 5 minutes before the service begins. If you really want to sit up front, wait a few minutes until the side doors open, then make your way expertly over there. Remember to throw away any drinks or food that you may have been munching on before going into the auditorium. The last thing you want is to be approached by the ushers.

Ushers: Speaking of ushers, you need to make sure you read the following paragraph carefully. The ushers are a breed of their own. Don’t let them be the reason you don’t make it back to church. They are really just big teddy bears when you get past the extra-human exterior. You can’t miss them. They are all over the place in the auditorium and they really do run the place. Unlike the strategy we reviewed earlier, once in the auditorium you will actually need to look the ushers straight in the eye as you walk into the auditorium and take your lead from them. They will want to know how many people are in your party. Hold up your fingers with the exact number. Don’t let your nerves mess you up. Take any seat they give you. We will explore advanced strategies to getting better seats in church next time. For now, just accept your beginner level and go with it.

All right. You’ve made it into the auditorium, it’s down hill from here. There are only a couple more things to go over.

Greet your neighbor Time: Very few church folks really like this part of the service, but the singers up front seem to love it. Whatever you do, don’t stay seated when you’re told to stand up and greet someone. I try to be as inconspicuous as possible and greet only the folks to my right and left. I don’t turn backwards, and I keep my smile curt. I don’t want to seem rude, but I don’t want to be overly friendly either. After all, this is just church, not a family reunion.

The Exit: Once church is over you will be expected to leave fairly quickly, particularly if there is a second service afterwards, and there usually is. If you left your kids in the nursery, hurry up and head back that hallway over to the back end of church. If you’re late, you will be remembered and you don’t want that to happen. If you don’t have any kids and you’ve made it back to the lobby, you’re in good shape. You can always use the bookstore again to strategize, or you can make your way back out the main doors to your car which is conveniently parked by the entrance.

Here’s a free tip. If you’ve parked in the visitor spot, take your time leaving as you will be less likely to be noticed and you will avoid the church rush home particularly on game days. If you’re lucky, your megachurch will have a coffee shop or lounge area where you can blend in unnoticed.

And if you’re really good or really lucky, you will find the women’s ministry director who is usually standing in the middle of the lobby trying to be inconspicuous herself. She usually doesn’t have a name badge – because it’s lost somewhere in her closet.

But she’ll flash you a knowing smile, and keep conversation to a minimum.

Or not.

Happy Sunday!

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