No Longer Afraid

When I was a kid I used to be afraid of the dark. And of monsters. But mostly of the dark.

Then I got a little older, and I heard my first loud bomb. I became afraid of the war. And my father driving home from work under the shelling.

In high school I worried about my grades. And in college about whether I’d get into medical school. I spent weeks and even months worrying about medical school, then I got into medical school.

And I started worrying about where I’d go to residency. I was afraid of failing my boards, those evil licensing exams. And I was a little afraid that my car would roll down the icy hill leading to my apartment.

Of course I got into residency so I started being afraid I wouldn’t get married. I was afraid I’d marry the wrong guy. I was afraid of what others would say when I ended a relationship two weeks before the wedding.

I was afraid a lot. I was afraid of research. I was afraid I wouldn’t find anything to write about. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of missing God’s calling, then I was afraid of messing up His calling. I was afraid of dating again. I was afraid of buying my first place. I was afraid of moving to Chicago. I was afraid of working an entire overnight shift on my own. I was afraid when I did fail my boards. I was afraid whenever I wasn’t afraid.

I was getting a little older by then. I found I was still afraid. I was afraid when I started teaching Bible studies. I was afraid when I wasn’t asked to teach Bible studies. I was afraid when I did start dating again. I was afraid when I broke off the engagement again. I was afraid of getting too old to have kids. I was afraid of having kids and messing up my life. I was afraid when I changed jobs. I was afraid when I started writing. I was afraid when I spent money. I was afraid all the time.

Fear has been my constant companion since as far back as I can remember.

Yet I survived a war, graduated from medical school, am a board certified Pediatric ER physician, and am serving God joyfully and growing in my gifts. And though I haven’t found my knight in shining armor yet, I really have my biological clock under control.

I may not be all I thought I’d be but I’m exactly where I know I should be.

I may not have all I dreamed I would but what I do have is exactly what I need.

In Genesis 28:15 God tells Jacob these words: “Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

I’m slowly learning to leave fear behind. I like to think of it a little like training a dog. I leave it behind in increasingly longer amounts of time, and little by little, I see that it’s ok. I actually don’t really need it with me in most life situations. In fact, its presence would simply attract unnecessary attention.

I could tell you that it’s a sin to worry. It is. But you know that and you still fear. I could tell you that most of the things you are fearful of won’t come to pass, but the odds are you’ve already experienced some true failures like I have.

All I can tell you is this: God is true to His promises no matter what the landscape of your life looks like right now, and no matter how you feel.

Will you rest in your own wisdom, or will you rest in His promises?

You choose.

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