Who’s the Boss?

I survived yesterday. Didn’t think I would. But I did. I guess I should thank God for that. I mean, I could have died. Felt like I was going to. But I didn’t.

I’m like that about so many things in my life. I expect the worst. The worst doesn’t happen. I’m kind of glad of about it.

And my thanks is kind of, sort of existent.

It’s like I thank God with a bit of an attitude. What’s up with that?

I’m starting to realize I have a huge agenda with God. It’s like I’m a lobbyist for a person named Lina AbuJamra. And I”m constantly trying to get an angle. I try to remind God of how much I’ve done for him, but even worse, how much him not fulfilling his agenda for me could hurt him.

As if….

It sounds ridiculous in writing, but I catch myself living my life that way. I pray for opportunities, I get opportunities, but perhaps not exactly the ones I had in mind, so instead of thanking God, well, I pout for a day or two.

i pray for a godly man, and I get a couple of options, but not exactly what I had in mind, and well, I doubt God’s ability to answer prayer. It’s worse when I don’t get any answers at all. It’s like I’m basing my entire trust of God on His willingness to fulfill my wishlist.

When did I get it all so backwards?

He is God. I am not. He speaks. I listen. And He’s earned it. Not that He needed to. But He did. He gave me my life back.

I was headed to hell. No hope of survival. Too guilty for my shirt.

Then I heard that Jesus died to pay God back for my sins.

I took the offer. Now my life is His.

Total trust. Total abandonment. Total gratitude.

That’s what I want. Today.

Forever.

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